BEYOND
Welcome to BEYOND, the personal growth podcast for leaders and high performers who are anointed.
I am your host, Katie Lynn, and with 20 years of experience in the field of psychology and human behavior I am bringing my natural curiosity, expertise and personal life experiences here for episodes that are guaranteed to be informative, inspiring and entertaining.
I am glad you’re here, let’s get started!
BEYOND
Ep 29:Money, Power and Relationships with Sanyika "The Firestarter"
What if understanding the delicate dance of relationship dynamics could transform your personal and professional life?
Join us as we engage in a compelling conversation with Sanyika "The Firestarter" Street, a visionary executive coach on a mission to empower men to become the best versions of themselves. Together, we dissect the myth that successful women intimidate men, offering insights on fostering mutual acknowledgment and support in relationships. Through personal anecdotes, we reveal the profound synergy in our own partnership, where shared missions and mutual encouragement amplify growth.
We navigate the intricate world of personal standards and energetic integrity within relationships, examining how these elements shape meaningful connections. Sanyika and I discuss the importance of compassion, values, and the energetic signature we bring to our interactions. You'll learn why emotional regulation is the cornerstone of genuine connections, as we explore how managing our emotional states can transform how we relate to others. The conversation delves into the subtle art of balancing autonomy and invitation, highlighting how these principles enhance relationship authenticity.
Uncover the hidden lessons within emotional reactions as we explore core emotions and their impact on relationship needs. Anger, often misunderstood, emerges as a gateway to deeper desires and connection.
We challenge societal norms that suggest men shouldn't have needs, advocating for fulfilling, life-affirming partnerships through mutual appreciation. By shifting from comparison to collaboration, we celebrate the unique contributions of each partner, paving the way for growth and transformation.
Join us on this journey as we offer heartfelt gratitude for Sanyika's openness and invite you to share your thoughts, further enriching our collective understanding of relationships.
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Hello, my friend, and welcome to Beyond the personal growth podcast for the people who are healing beyond their conditioning and beyond the cycles that played out before them. My name is Katie Lynn and, with 20 years of experience in the field of psychology and human behavior, I am bringing my natural curiosity, expertise and personal life experiences here for discussions that are guaranteed to be informative, inspiring and entertaining. I'm glad you're here. Let's get started.
Speaker 2:Today on Beyond, we have an incredible guest by the name of Sanyika the Firestarter Street. Sanyika is the man of my dreams and a true powerhouse in every sense of the word. As an executive coach for men, he doesn't just help them raise the bar in their business, their body and their being. He literally transforms them from the inside out. Through his coaching platform, the All In CEO, he is helping men to define their purpose, live in alignment and embody true integrity. He is driven by a mission to impact over 1 million men, empowering them to become better husbands, fathers and leaders. Honestly, the way he inspires men to be their best selves makes me love him more every single day.
Speaker 2:And as if that wasn't enough, my husband is also an innovative storyteller. He's worked with some of the biggest names in the world, including Sony, playstation, fox Network, the US Department of Defense, universal Music Group and so many more. His creative genius shines in everything he touches, and I can't help but admire his brilliance. Not only has he ignited stages and performed for brands like Sony, playstation, fox and MTV, but he brings his unmatched energy into our home, too. His interview show, the All In Moment, reaches 30 million people worldwide and features the most inspiring thought leaders, reaches 30 million people worldwide and features the most inspiring thought leaders. Every time I see him work, I'm blown away by his passion, his drive and his leadership.
Speaker 2:Ladies, there is nothing like watching your man step fully into his power and, believe me, I'm lucky enough to witness it every single day. I can't wait for you all to experience the force of nature that is Sanyika the Firestarter Street. He's not just a powerhouse, he's the love of my life. Hey, to all of you listening, sanyika sent me that bio that he wrote for me to read. Welcome, welcome to the show.
Speaker 3:You know, what's really interesting about that bio is that I actually it's so funny you asked me to send you a bio. I put my bio into Chad GPT and I said change the bio from a woman who loves her husband. And that's what Chad GPT wrote.
Speaker 2:Are you serious? Chad GPT wrote that, yeah Well, number one, it's hilarious, but number two, it very much aligns with how I actually feel about you, and what makes it funny to me is that you thought it was funny and I believe it to be true.
Speaker 3:There you go. Well, first of all, I'm always grateful to know that's how you feel about me, and not only that, that's how you feel about me, but that is. That's a powerful representation of our love for each other and for the way that we lift each other up too. I really appreciate it. That's one of the most amazing things about our relationship is the fact that we lift each other up the way we do. I was talking about somebody. I can only think of maybe one time where I didn't specifically quote you, or a conversation that you and I had, either on stage or a large environment with somebody, and I was like that was really interesting.
Speaker 3:You're my constant quotable.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I would say the influence between us you to me and me to you is real heavy, and what I mean by heavy is that it's just, it's a lot. You know, we spend so much time together. We work from home, we travel together, we work from home, we travel together, we raise kids together. There's not a time that goes by where we don't interact or have these conversations or, you know, explore different aspects of our businesses or how we show up in the world or how we serve. It's really fantastic to have not just a partner that loves me as much as you love me. It also is really special to be partnered with somebody who understands the work that I do in the world, because they do very similar work. That's something that is very unique that I didn't encounter very much until I met. You is like telling somebody oh yeah, I'm a life coach and they're like what?
Speaker 3:do you?
Speaker 2:coach, like youth sports, or what do you do? Or there's somebody who you know maybe doesn't believe that some another human should have a coach for their life, because that happens too. But it this? This plays into the first area of exploration that I have on on my a list of ideas to explore as I interview you.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:Are you ready interview you? Okay, are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready to go on, okay. So one of the things that came up before I met you and it still came up a little bit in the beginning of our relationship this idea, and probably when we first met it was a belief that men are quote unquote intimidated by women who are successful or who have created their own level of success, particularly financially and in business. And the reason I bring this up with you is because my experience and the reason that I do not have that belief anymore is because you continue to uplift and empower me and encourage me and support me and fan my fire. Should I say You're not just a fire starter, but you're the fire vanner too, and I want to know more about how you think about that from a male's perspective.
Speaker 3:The idea that men are intimidated about women that are successful.
Speaker 2:Well, let me give a specific example.
Speaker 2:So a few weeks ago, I'm out to dinner with one of my girlfriends.
Speaker 2:She runs a company and she's involved with high-level networks where there is a financial standard as a part of your enrollment, and her and I are chatting because she's on the dating scene and she wants to find partnership and we're having this very real discussion, very relatable discussion, about the concerns that she has around dating a man who doesn't make as much money as she does and who is on track in a career path where there is a cap to the amount of money he could make unless he decides to start a business.
Speaker 2:So there was this very real trepidation, fear, resistance, confusion around her sharing like I don't know if I could be in partnership with somebody who makes less money than me. He didn't seem to have a problem with this one person that she was very attracted to to at the time didn't seem to have an issue with it at that time. However, it ended up unfolding that they weren't going to work out. Now, what do we attribute that to? I don't know because I don't have details. When I hear that from anyone, man or woman, I feel like there's something deeper that's happening, but I would love to hear what you hear in that from a man's perspective.
Speaker 3:Yeah, this is a really important conversation because you said what do I hear? So let me give a little high level on this. First Is that you just asked me a question, right? Did you actually hand me words?
Speaker 2:No, I did not.
Speaker 3:No, you did not hand me words, right, so you didn't hand me any words. I'm not giving you any words, so what am I giving you? What are you giving me? We're trading frequency. We're trading energy, right? So the first thing is what I hear is that this is a conversation about frequency and energy, right? So where is this person's frequency? Where is their energy? Where is their focus? Their energy, where is their focus?
Speaker 3:What men and apparently women, who represent an amount of the success quotient, at least in the US culture, is that we use money as an out. It's interesting because men are not concerned with how much money women make, period. That's not what qualifies a woman for a man. A man is not concerned with how much money a woman makes. Women are concerned with how much money a man makes, at least by and large. I'm talking about overwhelming majority. But women are concerned about how much money a man makes because it's a representation of his energetic focus, like where his energy is, where his focus is, where his life is. And so what we're trying to do is we're trying to identify and match frequencies, so we're trying to see how our frequencies and our energies match up, and so frequencies and energies match up, obviously in the context of like standards, values. Do we operate by the same standards? Do we operate by the same values?
Speaker 3:I think, when a woman is asking that question and a woman goes, I don't know if I can date a guy who doesn't make as much money, because I'm not sure he'll be on the same level or same energetic frequency as me, and so that can come from two different areas. That can come from where his focus is meaning I'm not sure his focus is where I would like for it to be, which is completely powerful. And it also can come from the fact that woman has embodied a set of traits that alienate men because of what success means to her. So it could mean that she's embodying a certain set of characteristics that are not very appealing to the guy, you know. So the thing is that the intimidation factor goes. Is he intimidated by my energy or my frequency? Well, he could be, because of the fact that you may not necessarily embody a certain set of traits, and that can go both ways. So it can go from the fact that the woman doesn't feel like the guy has the energetic frequency where she wants him to be, and it can also go from the fact that the guy is not turned on by this woman who has now stepped into this aspect of herself, which is what she perceives success to be.
Speaker 3:So I think it's really important to really be in that question. Who do I want to be in the context of relationship? I think that's a really important question, like meaning what role do I want to inhabit? Who do I want to be as it relates to being in a partnership and the practical questions, for instance, for a woman who is successful do you want to be the breadwinner? Do you not want to be the breadwinner? Do you want a man who is the breadwinner?
Speaker 2:These are really important questions as a woman, and the reason I empathize with her sentiments to a certain degree, although as I hear you respond to this, I can see where the differences are in thoughts and conceptualization specifically around money, is that, as a woman, we are considering for a lot of us not all of us that there will be childbearing years in the future. So the fear, like one of the fears that she actually brought up, was like if we were to do this and there's a significant salary discrepancy between us and we want to have a child, then I don't really have the luxury of making him the breadwinner because his salary wouldn't provide the lifestyle that my salary does for us. So I can empathize with that thought train too. There would be other considerations that would need to be made around when they were going to have children, what that would look like for them. The thing that I hear, because I'm thinking about as I'm hearing you talk, I'm like reviewing, because I'm thinking about as I'm hearing you talk, I'm like reviewing. I'm hearing money as power, like money being equated to power in a relationship and contributing to power dynamics in a relationship, and then I'm like but what does money represent for me Like there are women that go out there and they're like he needs to be making this amount of money or it's a no go, right, and I'm like.
Speaker 2:To me, money is not a reflection of your power. How much money you're able to generate is not a reflection of your power. It's a reflection of your discipline and your heart and your character. So when I met you, you were showing me your character. I knew you had a huge heart, and you still do have a huge heart and your discipline, and to me, those are three things that, like, if there's a human that has fantastic character and incredible heart and the capacity to discipline themselves to uncomfortable things, uncomfortable and important things it's almost inevitable that they would attract money. They would actually have to dodge money. They would probably spend more effort dodging money than they would attracting money. So to me and I think I said this to you, like in a moment in conversation of like, I think it's inevitable that you're going to be wealthy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you said it very early in our relationship, for sure. And I would say that, going back to the original question about the intimidation factor is, yeah, I think that intimidation is really important, but I think it's more of an energetics thing. You know, the intimidation is an energetics thing. So how do we address the idea of the energetics associated with somebody who may be making more money than the other individual? And for me, I think that this is the thing that happens. That people get to understand and this is a really important idea is that if you're a woman who has standards, if you're a woman who is successful as many of the women who listen to this podcast are successful female founder if you're successful and you have standards, then one of your standards is to be an optimist as opposed to being defeatist.
Speaker 3:If I'm in front of someone, if I sit, if I choose to sit down with someone who does not level up to my standards, then I will not make that individual the assignment for all men in the realm of my mating possibilities. I won't be defeatist about it. I'm not going to start determining that every man that I encounter is going to embody those same traits. I'm going to be an optimist. I'm going to put myself in environments where those men exist and they dwell, and if I meet one that doesn't level up to those standards, I'll meet him with compassion and love and empathy. I won't sell myself out, I won't lower my standards and at the same time, I'll treat him with compassion, just based on where he's at.
Speaker 3:You know, what I hear often is this demonization of the fact that there's no men for me based on where I'm at, and I'm like you sound like the business owner who's got a marketing approach. It's like I've tried everything. I'm like, no, you haven't, you ain't tried everything, you just tried what you tried. You know you haven't dated all men or put yourself in a certain environment, you've just done what you've done, you know, and so you get to acknowledge what you've done, acknowledge that you have a desire to create powerful partnership, and then you get to be responsible enough and take ownership of the fact that you want to put yourself in environments with people who operate in the same frequency and understand that if you're not putting yourself in environments with people who operate at the same frequency, it's not a them problem, it's a come on, fill it in with me guys. There you go.
Speaker 2:Is it a you problem or a me problem? Either one. I love the energetic signature concept because it really does take some internal reflection to identify how we as individuals energetically relate and hold certain things in our world.
Speaker 2:A great example of this is like drugs drugs that's a no for me and that's my energetic relationship with drugs and I don't plan to change it. There's no plan to to change it or to transform that in any way, shape, shape or form on my end. So I'm good that becomes a standard right Of mine. So anybody that's involved there, I know that we're not going to relate because I have no intention of changing it and so I'm going to let me be me and let them be them in that way.
Speaker 2:And I see this in the women that I talk to so much, because so many of the women that I help are these ambitious, right Female founders. They're high performers, they have the tenacity, they've got this fire and, for whatever reason, they don't perceive it as a benefit. They don't perceive it as an advantage in the dating market, which I find to be so interesting because I feel like it's been a huge advantage for me in terms of filtering people and resonating with people and being respected. But there was this TikTok I saw and it rocked my world. I didn't send it to you, I should have.
Speaker 3:Side note real quick, anybody listening multiple reels from your spouse. Just send me a reel Every day, every day. Multiple reels Right now. Just send me a reel. You don't need to add anything.
Speaker 2:There's the world we live in and the real world, and you and I have our own real world.
Speaker 2:But it was this woman, right, she was being so clever and she presented her partner I'm going to say partner, husband, boyfriend. I don't know what their status was, but they were together. And she said would you rather come home to me with my hair done and my makeup done and a cute outfit on? Would you rather come home to a clean house or would you rather come home to dinner made for you, Plated and on the table? And she was like which one would you choose? And do you know what he said?
Speaker 3:What.
Speaker 2:He said I would rather come home to you happy with a good attitude boom bombs dropped and I was like whoa.
Speaker 2:That really speaks to this concept right of the energetic signature of not just what am I doing, not just I'm getting dressed and ready for him or I'm making him dinner or I'm plating it or I'm cleaning the house for him. It's like who and how am I being as I Choose what I'm going to do in the world, choose what I'm going to do in the world. We've seen this idea of be, do have and it's written in a linear way because we write left to right on single lines. So it's got to be in a line, so it's be do have. And I think the people who are unfamiliar with this concept conceptualize it in a linear way that I will be and then I will do and then I will have one after the other. But anybody who has practiced this concept knows and who lives by it knows that be and do are concurrent. They happen at the same time you be while you do they happen at the same time.
Speaker 3:You be while you do. Yeah, People see being as an inactive activity. Just be, you know, and I'm like you can be aggressive, I'm like that's not inactive or passive, you know, and the show on Monday night that I did a private engagement with, you know less than a hundred people when I did some storytelling.
Speaker 2:Okay, he's so humble he's going to say less than a hundred people, but what he really means is he sold it out by 22 tickets, because the capacity was 55 and he sold 77 tickets. He oversold his first ever solo event. I just want to put it in context, babe.
Speaker 3:Thank you for that.
Speaker 2:Your humble heart is painting a picture. I just want to add some spice, some flavor to the photo.
Speaker 3:Thank you for that, babe, and you did an exceptional job of of introducing the whole night and you look beautiful and I was like really, that was really awesome that was really great, thank you.
Speaker 3:You're welcome. So one of the things I was gonna say is that principle I said was be yourself right, so be yourself. And to get where you're going you might need to become someone else, and that's triggering for a lot of people, you know. It's like yo like be yourself, accept who you are Right, accept who you are. And, ladies, you might be disrespectful, you might be abrasive, you might be low level, depressed, you might be irritable.
Speaker 2:Irritable is, you know right, it's one that comes up especially in that at hormone cycle, because the hormone cycle is a real thing yeah right that we experience and so it's not like, oh, senika and I are in a wonderful relationship and that makes all my hormone stuff go away. What it means is that we're in a wonderful relationship and I get to take responsibility for my hormone things and tell him about it and keep him in the loop and be like Experiencing an influx of irritability and I'm doing my best to be patient and kind and to slow down and I might need a little break, I might need to step away. Could I ask for your support in this, because there is that couple of days, and I don't know if it happens every month, but I I do my best to catch it and communicate it so that you're not just at the mercy of my mood all the time babe, you just hit a nail on the head.
Speaker 3:I want to drive this home, because this is like speaking to that. What do we desire in life, like you know, on any level, I think, what at the base of our existence, in humanity, we desire connection, right? So we're seeking connection and there are these things that get in the way of connection. Now, again going back to my initial context around the idea of, like, I'm not giving you words, right, even if you give someone money, like you can hand them paper, but what are you actually giving them? You're giving them your energy, you're giving them your life force, so I'm giving you my life force. So what happens is that I think that we get in this transactional context where we think that what we're trading in relationship are like these things, like money, and we make them seem sort of real. But really, on the human level, again, we're trading energetic frequency, which is one of the reasons why, in many of our conversations and when we teach and talk about this, is that communication is not the most important part of a relationship.
Speaker 3:The way that we shift our energetic frequency is by understanding that the most important part of a relationship is emotional regulation, and many people don't have a standardized approach to regulating their emotional state. So what you are giving to me actually what you are actually giving to me is your storm, and this goes for men and women storm, and this goes for men and women. So I'm giving you my storm, you're giving me your storm, and we're in a we're in a tropical storm and we're trying to figure it out. But it's like but I'm giving you everything, I'm giving you the money, or I'm giving you this and I'm handing you that, and I'm dressing up, nice and I'm doing all this stuff, and all I'm doing is using my energetic frequency to blame or shame or guilt or trip or poke or all those different types of things, and then that becomes the context of your relationship. But we don't see that part right. All we see is the stuff. We see the number in the bank account, we see the number of times I might have put on my lipstick and my makeup, the number of times I did the things that I check off on my list as a man to you know, support my family, and that's the dynamic that we end up living in.
Speaker 3:So if there's anything that you take away from this, anything, is that the most important thing that we need to corral is the way that we transmit our emotional state, because that's the currency, that's the thing that guy guy and that woman, to whatever degree I mean. Obviously there's some standard things that we want, you know, in terms of relationship, but at a baseline level, the most important thing I'm not talking about happiness, I'm talking about your ability to navigate the multidimensionality of emotions with an individual. And if you don't have that multidimensionality, then that's where most of the trouble comes up. And then we blame it on money or we blame it on this, we blame it on that, but the reality is that if we don't have the ability to regulate our own emotional state, then we're dead in the water anyway.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. And the other thing that I hear in that that I think shakes hands with emotional regulation, is what I call orientation.
Speaker 3:So the distinction that I hear in this is the distinction I call invitation versus obligation, and the way that I describe invitation is an invitation is an offering right. Like you get invited to a party, you invite me to dance, I invite you, you invite someone to dinner, you invite someone right and as a sovereign individual, which hopefully you're dealing with that individual has the sovereign right to say what yes or no. And the distinction is that if your no changes the way that I feel about you, then it wasn't an invitation, it was an obligation.
Speaker 2:Oh, you better pause that right here and rewind it and listen to it again One more time, baby.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so if your no changes the way that I feel about you, then it was not an invitation, it was an obligation. I work with a significant amount of very successful men and men in general, and one of the things about men in general is that the emotional center in many men is not online, meaning like they're not fully tapped and in tune with their heart and the warrior at the same time. I heard.
Speaker 2:I heard something that was like a woman's turn on functions very similarly to a man's heart, where, like, it takes a minute to get it going. So the way that a woman would most often require foreplay like safety and foreplay first to arrive right to open up that space in her for physical intimacy, that's the same thing a man would require for him to open up that space in his heart to his emotional center yeah, yeah, that's that is beautiful.
Speaker 3:Here's one of the things that I realized is that every emotional reaction is trying to teach you. That's not a new realization, but here's the thing Emotion comes with a lesson. So you don't just feel joy. You feel joy because joy is trying to teach you something about you. You don't just feel surprise. This is six core emotions Joy, love, surprise, anger, fear, sadness. That may change depending on which emotional model you look at, but pretty much the wheel I get it from is the gentle wheel. But here's what happens. This is going back to the emotional regulation.
Speaker 3:Anger is an emotion. I can be silent and angry. I can be humming and angry. I could be angry right now just having a conversation. Anger does not inherently mean violent, anger just means angry. So we associate anger with violence, and so a lot of guys go well, I'm not angry, I'm just frustrated, like you know, like I say that I'm just frustrated, I'm like dude, you're angry. Angry is the core emotion, frustration is a secondary emotion, so you're actually angry. So then the question is from there what can I do with that anger? So the idea is that and this is a really important thing what is that anger trying to teach me about what it is that I desire, so I can have that need met, because that's what it's trying to bring online so that I can communicate it to you. But what happens is because I have an unsophisticated approach with my anger, then what it does is it comes out as volatility, or it comes out as projection, or it comes out as blame, or it comes out as shame, and then we miss the gold. Is that anger is actually trying to teach me that what I really want from you is I want deeper connection. What I really want from you in our dynamic is I want acknowledgement. What the anger is trying to teach me is that what I really want from you is I want your presence. Whatever it is Right.
Speaker 3:So many guys can't necessarily access the emotion with that in a certain way. So the anger is, it's the thing that brings the passion online. And so, using a warrior example, it's like the anger when the when a warring civilization or society or culture or whatever is attacking your village. Right, is that the anger is like no, these are my people, you know we deserve to be safe. And so, like you, go into warrior mode because you want to protect your family, you want to protect. You know what I'm saying Like. So all these different things is that all of a sudden, when the warrior comes online, now you know what you love, because the warrior fights from love. It's just that many of us haven't learned how to cultivate the anger into the lesson. The anger ends up being this extension of our projection or our volatility, and then it ends up being like this lashing out. So people keep throwing jabs at each other because we haven't made our emotional approach more sophisticated.
Speaker 2:Well, also what I've learned, because I've learned so much I mean so much before I met you, even more like in the trenches, training after meeting you and being in relationship with you, and now even a greater depth of training and understanding. Raising a teenager and a three major is, I feel like have a 360 view on the development of boys to men and also how boys to men and also how society contributes to the development of boys to men. And one of the things that I see so clearly is men are not allowed to have needs. Yeah, and it almost is reflected back by the women that hold that sentiment of I don't need a man.
Speaker 2:There's this mirroring that's happening that creates so much unfortunate confusion because for many men that I have spoken with you included, with you included the response of the feminine to them in that way, in the form of acknowledgement, in the form of gratitude, in the form of attention, is there in many ways like life force, energy.
Speaker 2:It is like putting fuel in the tank.
Speaker 2:It's very nourishing and life giving and life affirming for men, and the most hurtful thing I think I ever did to myself and the men in my life for a period of time was hold the stance of I don't need a man. The stance of I don't need a man because it severed any potential for life-giving connection between me and another man, no matter if it was romantic or friendship or platonic or whatever. And there is no weakness in the idea that I need men and I need a man and you are the one I have chosen as my husband. And that liberates me in so many ways that I think are difficult to communicate to a woman who hasn't experienced it. It's like trying to explain childbirth to a woman who's never had a child. It's so difficult to put into plain language or into language that would really convey what the experience is actually like. And there is this divine magic to the inner play and energy exchange between a man who loves and adores and appreciates women and a woman who can reciprocate in that way.
Speaker 3:I think that's the thing that every guy craves. I craved it personally and I feel like I have it in you. I craved it personally and I feel like I have it in you. I often think about the way that guys interact with some of the stuff, that interact, the way we interact online and sometimes you know they'll share it directly with me, you know, but the reality is that a lot of guys don't have, are not, with a woman that reflects those qualities, meaning like they don't. They're not if they don't, they're not effusive in their praise, they're not deeply acknowledging, they're not verbally grateful, they don't spend their time lifting him up. You make an effort to lift me up. It's a very intentional act, you know. So I think one of the barriers in it is it goes back to what you were saying before is that men are not supposed to have needs. So the reason why I say that a man needs to bring his desire online and this is also a very important component of my work is that the reason that you're not asking for it is because you don't desire it and you don't, and the reason that you're not desiring it or asking for it is because it's not because you don't want it, it's because your desire is not online. You're not asking for the things that you need anyway. You're not even aware of them, right? So what? What many guys are doing is they're just floating with what's given, taking what's handed, but they're not requesting what's needed. And if you're not requesting what's needed, then you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to really experience the greatest in your partner. So my offering right now to anybody who's listening, if you have. If you're a woman listening which I would imagine the majority of women who are listening, people listening to this podcast are if you're a woman listening which I would imagine the majority of women who are listening, people listening to this podcast are or if you're a guy that's listening, then what I would invite you into in this moment is to take an inventory of your relationship and to stop with your partner and even if you're going on a date and to ask them if these know, if these things are important to them On a scale of one to 10,. How important is it for me to acknowledge you verbally Scale of one to 10,. How important is it for me to praise you in public? Scale of one to 10,? How important is public acts of affection, really ask about those things, because I don't think a lot of women are privy to it either. But I think that this is a really important type of conversation that you can have with someone so you can really see what drives them, because we have all these assumptions about what drives the other individual and the reality is that many times we're just like missing each other in plain sight. So we're missing each other, but we don't really know what drives that person. But when you were talking a second ago, like they'd like the, I think that those are some of the things that we deeply desire. Like there's this idea. I'll end on this note. Ladies, I'd like you to think about this. I'd like you to really embody this idea.
Speaker 3:We talk about who has the harder job, and I don't think someone having the harder job is really relevant. I think that's all based on an individual's perception, but I want you to I'm just going to speak on behalf of men is a man's role in society is a very tough job. Men do hard work. It's not in comparison to your work, it's just hard work. Men do hard work. It's not in comparison to your work, it's just hard work. Not only do men do hard work, but we have certain responsibilities and societal perceptions of who we're supposed to be and how we're supposed to step up.
Speaker 3:And the way that I see this is like is the myth of Sisyphus. There was a Greek God by the name of Sisyphus. He escaped death twice from Zeus and he was punished by being responsible for perpetually pushing a boulder up a hill. And many men lived their entire lives pushing a boulder up a hill, so Sisyphus was punished to this for eternity. And that's what many men do. And in this moment, what I'm asking is that you don't start doing comparisons. Well, my man doesn't do it, my ex doesn't do it or whatever like that, and I'm saying that men push boulders up hills.
Speaker 3:And so for the guys that push the boulders up the hills, that's a perpetual thing. It will exist until he is gone. He's going to push to do whatever he believes he needs to do to provide. He's going to push to do whatever he believes he needs to do to provide. He's going to push to do whatever he needs to do to protect whatever capacity he believes, whether it's effective or ineffective, he's going to do what he believes is necessary.
Speaker 3:And I'm telling you that for this guy that's pushing the boulder up a hill. He's not asking you to help with the boulder. He's not asking you to take out a slingshot. He's not asking you to do any of those other types of things for the guy pushing the boulder up the hill. He wants a kiss on the forehead to know that pushing the boulder up the hill is meaningful. Yeah, he wants you to rub his back when he's pushing the boulder up the hill to know that he's supported and he'll push that boulder up the hill for the rest of his life, just knowing that you acknowledge him and that you care and that you see his efforts.
Speaker 3:He'll, he'll, he'll know. That's, at the core, what your man is really looking for.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's such a powerful visual. I see the story. When you tell me a story, it's. I'm watching this man push a boulder up a hill for all of eternity. And it actually makes me think about my dad. He still, every morning, will send us a text. You and I are in a group chat with him. He sends us a message. It's a Bible verse and like a blessing for the day that he writes after the Bible verse. And this morning, for the first time ever, I looked at it and I was like, oh, this is, he's still in provision. This is his way of provision. Now that I'm a grown adult, you know, with a husband, that's still his covering of us, his way of making sure that we know that he's there.
Speaker 2:And women are not different variations of the same thing, like you're an orange and I'm an apple. Sure, both fruits very different fruits, very different in texture, in function, all of it, and both have seeds, both have purposes and assignments. They can be consumed together. But if you try to compare an apple to an orange and try to decide which one is better, there is no real way to do that because it all comes down to personal preference. There is no way for me to compare myself to you and what you do and like it's kind of ironic because from a physical standpoint it's so obvious with us, right? Because you're, like, a whole foot taller than me, there's literally no way I could do what you do.
Speaker 2:Like, from a physical perspective, you have me be in all the categories and it's like I think it's the most, I think it's the most dangerous thing that women and men do to each other and themselves is they try to compare and it's like if I try to work at the level that you work, that's exactly how women burn out.
Speaker 2:I'm literally not made for that. I will tax my adrenals and I will become very ill after a period of time. So there's no way Accepting that and embracing that creates so much space for acknowledgement and appreciation for me because you're absolutely right, there is no way I could do what you do. Also, I have no desire to do what you do because I'm not wired that way. You know we're looking at the same problem from very different lenses and that is something that is not a you versus me thing. That's something that is really more of an opening for collaboration and creation and that's how we hold really more of an opening for a collaboration and creation, and that's how we hold it as a couple that, that thing you just said, like it's not a comparison, it's an opportunity for collaboration.
Speaker 3:That's mastery level, relating the transition from comparison to collaboration. You know, it's like, well, I'm doing this, well, I'm doing this, well, I'm doing this, well, I'm doing this. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you too. Okay, great, we're in this ship together. We got to figure out a way to collaborate because the ultimate objective is the success of the team. Right, we operate as a team, as a family. Our philosophy is we're a family that changes the game, that that makes a difference, helps many people as we can. It's just like we're game changers. Because we collaborate.
Speaker 3:We don't bicker over who's doing what, because, at the end of the day, what metric is going to determine whether what you do is more valuable than what I do? There's no quantitative metric that's going to determine that. So what we're really doing is just seeking acknowledgement of our contributions. And if we're seeking acknowledgement of our contributions and we can't get the acknowledgement, then what we're indicating is that we haven't been in the practice of acknowledging each other. So we get to be in the practice of acknowledging each other, seeing each other's contributions, identifying that each other's contributions will be instinctively different in some ways, honor each contribution and understand that each contribution is necessary function for the team's ultimate success. We're not competing for point guard. You're the point guard, I'm the center. Let's play the game.
Speaker 3:You know, so we get to. We get to function like that. Some of y'all are competing for the same position on the team because one of y'all wants the glory, and I'm sorry to say this, but the reality is that if you're on a losing team, I don't care if you score 35 points. The bottom line is that you're on a losing team. Ain't no MVP on a losing team?
Speaker 2:In addition to that, I think what really comes through for me in this dialogue is you're transactional. For what? What's the outcome? There's no trophy. So then, what's the drive? And the drive is power.
Speaker 2:And what I think is important for people to be mindful of is that in romantic relationships, you're working out your deepest stuff. You're working out the deepest depths of what got programmed, wired, not just in your lineage but in childhood too, right, right. So like you keep in tabs for power because as a child you felt powerless, you didn't get to have a say, you didn't get acknowledged as a child. You know, this is a big one, I think, for women, because a lot of us were raised in environments where we were achievement oriented. So it's like you get the good grades, you get to be the good girl, you get to behave and be proper, and then you get rewarded. So that makes us feel powerful.
Speaker 2:That's one of the reasons I used to say I love school so much, because the first day of class they give you a syllabus and they say this is how you win this game, and if I know how to win the game, then I can play to win and it's easy peasy and it's fun and it's satisfying and it's rewarding because at the end of that class I get a grade, I get the best grade right. But that doesn't exist in relationships, you know. So it's wonderful that I have all these letters after my name, like a lot of women do. I have all these letters after my name, like a lot of women do. But when it comes down to having this conversation with the person that you love the most on the planet about how you're going to work through these things, those letters don't matter and it's like what are we fighting for? What are you fighting for? What is this argument or this disagreement or this tracking stuff really about?
Speaker 3:at a deeper level, Amen, you know, babe, I am this idea of relating, high-level relating. You know it's like you know we, how do we relate with each other at the highest level? You know it's like people are, you know, looking for.
Speaker 2:it's like you know, people looking for a high value man or you know whatever it is oh, geez oh lord the high value man, the high value woman goodness gracious, that's a whole other podcast, babe, that's, we ain't got time for that. Oh, the high value man, the high value woman Goodness gracious, that's a whole other podcast, babe, that's, we ain't got time for that.
Speaker 3:I would just say this part real quick. I will tell you this and for anyone else that's listening to this, because this is the secret. I think this is the secret part that many people don't understand is that, for a woman who is operating in her true feminine essence, your energetic signature is so strong that you have the capacity, with love and compassion and generosity and intention, become anything. Is that, were you tapped in on the level of really truly seeing him as you see yourself? Your inspiration creates him and, babe, you have created me, make no mistake about it.
Speaker 3:Somebody said you know well, would you be the same person that you were today if you didn't get coached by these high level coaches? And I was like nope. The answer is no, there's no way I would be. I'm just telling you right now the answer is no. And the same goes for my wife. I would not be who I am today if it was not for my wife. Period, that's an unequivocal answer. Am I my own man? Yeah for sure. But your influence, your love, your essence, your drive, your compassion, your challenge at times, your like all these different things, they have helped to create the man that I am. There's no question about you know, and so the idea is that, like we have these like fixed ideas of who somebody is supposed to be on the front end, but my idea is that if you find somebody who's disciplined, who has the character and who has the heart, and seeing that person at the level that they are, who they are, that's together in a powerful dynamic you can create each other to become anything you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, thank you for that babe.
Speaker 2:Thank you for that acknowledgement and I want to pull before we wrap, because we do have to wrap. I want to pull two specific things out that I really hope people hear wrap. I want to pull two specific things out that I really hope people hear.
Speaker 2:First one is I heard you say, if you can see him as you see yourself, that will either be your greatest gift for a man or anyone in your life or it will be the thing that blocks you from receiving incredible people in your life. Because the work with partnership doesn't start with the other person. It starts with how we conceptualize and view ourselves and treat ourselves, and one of the greatest gifts that my parents gave to me was they gave me a foundation of self-respect, and respect is the thing that facilitates everything else for women. What makes someone high value in the eyes of a woman is if she is able to first respect herself and then respect the others. And from the moment I met you, I immediately respected you. I respected you from before I met you, because you came highly regarded by people who were close to me, who were telling me that I needed to meet you, who were telling me that I needed to meet you, so your name floated in on respect and high regard. And then, when we met, I was like I absolutely respect you.
Speaker 2:I think that's important for people to hear, because the question is not can you respect others? The question is what is your standard of self-respect and how do you know that that's your standard of self-respect based on what evidence do you have in your life as a woman or as a man, that you respect yourself? How do you demonstrate to others that you respect yourself without using your words? My question to you is how do people connect with you if they want to ask you more questions or if they would like to consider connect with you? If they want to ask you more questions or if they would like to consider working with you?
Speaker 3:You would hit me up on Instagram at the all in CEO, C-H-E-A-L-L-I-N. Ceo. Or you would hit me up on Facebook at San Diego, the Firestarter Street, or email CEO at the all in CEOcom.
Speaker 2:Any last words, babe, anything you'd like to leave them with.
Speaker 3:This conversation is the beginning of your journey From this place, those who are really committed and frustrated with where they're at. This conversation is the beginning of your journey, and this conversation is a powerful catalyst to your transformation and your growth and to bringing in the life that you want, love that you want and the wealth that you want to create as well. They all operate on the same energetic frequency, so this would be a good time to commit to stepping into the greatest version of yourself from this conversation and just see and look at what magic can be created in your life as a result. I love you, babe.
Speaker 2:I love you too. Thank you so much, babe, for your wisdom and who you be.
Speaker 2:As we complete this episode, I would love to know your insights takeaways and feedback, you can message me on Instagram at katielinrojano, or send them via email to katie at katielinrojanocom. Any products or digital downloads I mentioned can be found via the link in my Instagram bio. Products or digital downloads I mentioned can be found via the link in my Instagram bio. If you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to share it with at least one friend and leave a five-star review so we can get these impactful dialogues into the lives of even more people. I would also like to thank my guest for their vulnerability and generosity in allowing us to learn from them and grow alongside them. Until next time, friends, let's go beyond.