BEYOND
BEYOND
Ep.19 Beyond: Owning your "NO" with Dana
How do we redefine our lives and create success when complex childhood trauma shapes our foundational beliefs?
On this Episode of BEYOND I coach Dana as we dive into shedding light on the critical process of evaluating behaviors and beliefs that no longer serve her.
Listen in as Dana recounts her bold decision to step away from a 15-year teaching career to embrace personal development and curriculum design. As I help her access her subconscious beliefs, we turn our focus to the realm of business, exploring how empowering decision-making and self-trust can revolutionize client relationships and personal well-being.
I teach her my signature process to quickly re-write beliefs and shift her internal dialogue and dissolve anxiety when faced with the challenge of saying "no" to potential clients that are not a great fit for her services.
Discover how transforming self-critical behaviors into trust-filled internal conversations can lead to inspired work, reduced burnout, and greater business success. Engage with us in reflecting on these insights and share your feedback to foster a community of growth and impactful dialogues.
For inquiries email: katie@katielynnrojano.com
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Hello, my friend, and welcome to Beyond the personal growth podcast for the people who are healing beyond their conditioning and beyond the cycles that played out before them. My name is Katie Lynn and, with 20 years of experience in the field of psychology and human behavior, I am bringing my natural curiosity, expertise and personal life experiences here for discussions that are guaranteed to be informative, inspiring and entertaining. I'm glad you're here. Let's get started. Today we have Dana on the podcast. Dana, thank you so much for being on, and my question for you is where would you like to begin?
Speaker 2:and my question for you is where would you like to begin? Where I find myself right now in my life is an inventory, feels like a great way to put it is. I have all of these collections of experiences and now I have them all laid out and get to look at them and decide, oh gosh, I don't think this fits on the shelf anymore and I'm ready to remove it. That feels like where I want to start today?
Speaker 1:Yeah, when you say inventory, are you talking inventory of behaviors, inventory of characteristics? How would you distinguish them?
Speaker 2:I would say mostly behaviors based on, like those foundational beliefs, those beliefs that we establish for ourselves and then, maybe later on in life, we don't realize that they are there one and that some of them are so deep rooted.
Speaker 1:Yeah, do you have an example of something specific?
Speaker 2:So I have some pretty complex trauma that happened as a young child. I've done all the things therapy, somatic work, earth medicines, just a lot of support that I've had in order to come into wholeness regarding all of that and I found a great sense of peace with it and what I feel like after, like I've taken that inventory and looked at all that stuff. There are some beliefs, like some levels of I can't. You know, yes, great catch, yes, okay, that are present just because at that time and at those times where maybe some life events have happened, that level of I can't came up because those things were still unresolved and that isn't true for me anymore.
Speaker 1:But that I can't response is quick still to show up, and where have you noticed it showing up in your? Life, oh gosh In work and you, just if I remember correctly, you switched careers In 2022,.
Speaker 2:I left like a 15 year teaching career. Yeah, was the longest standing educator in our school district. I was a fine arts educator, had opened up a brand new state of the art facility that I helped to design. Like I, I left Wow. And then, after that, a lot of opportunities to see myself in a different light. You know, with all of the skills that I've accomplished and that I've gathered, like all of the things in my tool belt, I got to use in a different way and be super creative with it. And now I'm kind of sort of heading back into that, into doing curriculum design, but in the personal development space.
Speaker 1:So when I can't shows up, what do you notice? Is there a pattern?
Speaker 2:Okay, yes, thank you for putting it that way. Yes, there is a pattern, and the pattern is it feels like boundaries, or maybe even just following joy, you know, and really saying yes to the things that I want to do and just being really committed in that way. And so what I mean by that is just like being really selective about the. I know exactly who I want to work with.
Speaker 2:I know the types of people that I want to work with. I know the type of work that I want to do and it's just when those offers it feels like comes from different places that maybe have some resonance, but really just don't take off the boxes in the same way, where that little voice will come and be like oh no, I can't. I can't say no.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because if I do, then If I do, then I'm missing out, or like I'm limiting myself on opportunities. It almost feels like there's like I'm telling myself, well, that's coming up because there's something for you there where, like now that we're talking about it, it just feels like maybe it's coming up so that you can recognize hey, I don't actually want that and oh gosh, okay, I love having conversations like this. Yeah, bringing like all of this yes, stuff into the forefront, like what that's making me recognize is they're still coming up because I'm still choosing them, you know.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh, I'm not sure what kind of environment you were raised in as a young, as a young girl, uh, but part of the healing that can come up for us, if we were raised in an environment where it was very like the parenting was very authoritative and the thought process or the theory around kids is that kids were to be compliant, and so as we grew, it was tricky to find our no, because no was not an option, it just wasn't a thing, it was actually punishable. Like if you said no, that was received and translated as defiance and then in that defiance you'd be punished. And I'm wondering if that's maybe a possibility in your experience and if it's like if I say no, then something bad is going to happen. Does that resonate with you at all?
Speaker 2:It does Because in within the home, I would say, most of my upbringing was raised by a single parent. My parents were married for 13 years, but when I was 10, they divorced after some abuse that had happened in the home, Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:And I would say that within that context I felt like I could say no with my mom, but prior like my no, my ability to choose in that way was not present. And then over on like a grander scale of like extended family. Growing up within an African American family, I mean that very much describes our extended family environment. You don't tell adults no, yes.
Speaker 1:Yes, uh-huh. That really resonates as I hear you say it out loud. It's like oh yeah, that's the way right. You respect adults, you follow their directions, and it's almost like this. There's this perspective of goodness about it in that I think the adults trusted each other to do right by the children automatically, and it didn't always roll out that way Exactly. It doesn't always work out that way, yeah. So as we come to this moment now and I love that you caught I could see your brain like literally turning the wheels, but also like in a new direction, because it was like oh well, maybe you know, if I say no then I'll miss out, but maybe it's showing up so that I can say no and something different will come forward. So, as you think about it that way, how does your body feel?
Speaker 2:Like there's a sense of relief, like my shoulders felt like, oh, almost like a weight had been lifted.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have an awareness that in the personal development space, more so than the psychology and human behavior space, there is this sense of you're always attracting what you need and there's this lean to it sometimes of that means I'm supposed to embrace everything that shows up and see what's there for me and explore it like a storyline. And it must be showing up because there's something here to teach me. I love that you hit it. It's showing up not because it's not an alignment, but because it's an alignment to the curriculum of us learning where our no is and where our yes is. It feels really good.
Speaker 2:Good in what way Fun and curious and almost like a game you know and as. I'm noticing. Those things come up instead of it being like, oh gosh, again you know, and having like that, that grip, that sense of dread, almost like oof, is there something that I'm not doing? This is showing up in my doorstep again, whereas it's like I can see it, recognize it and be like okay, no, let's see what happens it and be like, okay, no, let's see what happens.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, and what are the qualities that you feel like you might need to lean into a bit more as you practice this, as you say, nope, not, not the fit?
Speaker 2:Acceptance. I don't need to recognize when it's happening, because it's always apparent. I understand it for what it is, but accepting within myself that that's what I know and not going through that process of convincing that I have a tendency to do sometimes because it's not happening from anywhere outside of me, it's all internal.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and there's two things. When I ask that question, there's two things I'm listening for and I'm going to drop them in the space and see how they land with you. The first one is this is a real, this is. There's also some some threads of scarcity. Okay, because if I say no, then I might miss out on something. But also, if I say no, will there be something else, will something else show up? Right, rather than saying no, just the perspective of this is not a fit. Also saying no from the perspective of the quicker I say no to things that aren't in alignment, the faster the things that are in alignment show up. For me, it's like if I can clear these things from my experience, then it creates more space for that which is true and in alignment to make itself known.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, how does that feel for you?
Speaker 2:I'll tell you what's happening in my brain right now. Yeah, like, as you're saying this, that aspect of self, that's like you know this. Of course, this is true and this has never happened before. So where's the evidence? Yes, that little niggling, and I'm like, ah, no, we're going to listen to Katie and what is being said right now, like I'm turning you off, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, also, I'd like to invite you to let it be because the other part is your brain's not wrong, right, true, valid. We don't have evidence yet, but part of the reason a lot of us don't have evidence is because I'm going to try to put this in English, because I can see it in my brain because when we have a paradigm through which we make meaning of the world and by which we make meaning of the world, we collect evidence according to that paradigm, supporting evidence only for what I believe. But what you said at the beginning of this call is your beliefs have shifted, they've evolved, they've changed, and you're in this kind of liminal space, but more so, what I'm seeing is you have this new set of beliefs that are actually now asking for evidence, and so now you're in a position and this is a part of transformation you're in the position to now adjust your lens per se to look for new evidence. So I used to have this group coaching program called the SMR Sisterhood, and I also coached women on becoming available for romantic partnership, and in that process, what I would encourage them to do is to look for instances when they were experiencing positive regard, respect and kindness from any human man or woman and that was one of their quote unquote challenges when they went out into the world is look for the instances where the world is good to you, opening doors, asking if you would like help out to your car, offering to support you with something, bagging your groceries, anything.
Speaker 1:Be meticulous about it, look for it and, without fail, the women would come back and be like you would not believe what happened. The world just opened up for me. And then the second half of that was to verbally out loud acknowledge it in that moment. Thank you, I appreciate you offering to help me. And then the second half of that was to verbally out loud acknowledge it in that moment. Thank you, I appreciate you offering to help me. I appreciate you showing up in this way, whether they were going to take the support or not. Thank you for offering. Right, we see what we look for, but so much of what we look for is subconscious.
Speaker 2:I really like that aspect of, like the verbalization of it. I feel like that is incredibly important because it takes it like out of that space and makes it real, tangible, like something that is expressed. You know, I'm excited to take that aspect and to to do that for myself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, have you seen the movie inside out too yet? Oh, yes, there's a moment in there where joy is looking at the experiences towards the beginning, all the little bubbles, little balls, and she's picking the ones that she's going to take down and store as beliefs. And if we don't make that process conscious for ourselves, our brain will do it by default and our brain will do it according to the beliefs that originally got installed by our caretakers before we had that level of willpower and self-awareness and autonomy. And so part of this process now it's the new install and so as adults, we actually can go in and do a new install. But that new install is okay.
Speaker 1:What are the beliefs choosing? These are the beliefs Phase one. Phase two is collect the evidence, show it, show it, show it. And that's the embodiment, because so many of us right, especially those of us that, like I, identify as a nerd or a geek, so I will geek out on stuff, go down the rabbit hole, read all the things, I will intellectually know it. My deepest work is the embodiment of it and that's the evidence. That's like show me through actions, show me through movement, show me through verbal acknowledgement, the practice of it, and that is what I hear in your explanation and in your inquiries is like well, how do I get it to show up? And it takes so much courage, it takes so much faith, because it is that evolution from scarcity of like. Will it work? What might unfold? I don't know To that abundance of I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. It's working. How does that feel for you? It?
Speaker 2:feels really good and if we were to talk about it in like a practice type of way, like if I could lay it out for myself. You know when an opportunity to honor a no or yes happens you know, what process can I take myself through? Yeah, the power process. I knew you were going to say that.
Speaker 1:This is exactly. This is exactly what I designed it for, because it works forwards and backwards. So it works if we are looking to deprogram something. It also works if we are working to program something, because we're always looking at the situation specifically. Right. So a situation for you might be received a client inquiry and said no, very specific Specificity is your friend in this phase of the game. So very specific and specific from the point of like somebody else could come and verify it, like yeah, that's true. Right, you took a call, said no, that's true. The internal dialogue is, I think what you shared earlier was what's going to happen? Am I going to miss out on something? And then the feeling is how would you describe the feeling?
Speaker 2:Oh, like an anxiety kind of you know about the missed opportunity you know like really looking instead of being present with what's there. It's like making up stories about the lack of what is it?
Speaker 1:Uh-huh. And then where does that show up in your body? Oh, in my head, yeah. And then your behaviors then become, after you say no from that place, second guessing, like I doubt myself yeah, anything else.
Speaker 2:It almost feels like an aspect of myself that like doesn't even feel like it belongs to me. You know, like we'll take over. Like I can't believe you did that. Like oh my gosh, you said no. Like there's like a whole like persona that arises.
Speaker 1:Yeah, would you call that self-critical. Oh, definitely, okay, okay, so like the behaviors are, like, I become self-critical.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'll ruminate, I'll overanalyze instead of just leaving a no, being a no and going about my business. It's like I'll go off to do something out there and it's like lurking.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, so is there some avoidance in a way yeah. Okay, and then the outcome is what If I don't?
Speaker 2:sit with it, then it's just a repetitive cycle.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it just replays itself. I may have missed something. I don't know what's going to come of this. And, over and over, yes, before I go there, the thing that we're always after as humans is a different feeling, but the feeling is informed by the internal dialogue. The internal dialogue is informed by the beliefs and the beliefs are informed by the identity. What we're really going for is like, okay, that feeling of anxiety, right. The real request is I want to say no and feel good about it, feel like yes, I trust my no, I trust myself, I trust God and the universe to realign itself and recalibrate to that. If we take situation, same situation, said no to a potential client, internal dialogue then changes to what? If you want to create the feeling of goodness, what's a new potential internal dialogue?
Speaker 2:That felt good, that felt empowering. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yes, yeah, thank you, because I know what. This was the best decision for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and what belief is that rooted in? Oh, okay, um. It's bringing it back to that parent piece trusting our caregivers to know what's best. It's just really bringing to the forefront for me that I'm that person now and I get to make those decisions. I already do them. I have two kids. Why can't I do them for?
Speaker 1:myself too. Yeah, and that belief is number one, I got me. And number two, this is the bigger one, god's got me. And number two, this is the bigger one, god's got me. Oh yeah. Then when you go okay, this feels good. Internal dialogue, this feels good. That was self-honoring, that was also honoring for the business. From a business perspective, it's really only wise to say yes to the clients that are a great fit, so that they do get results, so that we're helping people that can be helped, right, yeah. So then the feeling then is Satisfaction. Yeah, where does that show up in your body?
Speaker 1:In my stomach, you know, like after you eat a really good meal a hearty one, nourishing nutritious, for sure, yeah, and then what are the behaviors?
Speaker 2:There's just like a clarity and decision-making. I feel that happens afterwards, you know. You know I'm overanalyzing or or really hyper vigilantly fixated on something that doesn't even actually exist.
Speaker 1:For sure, for sure. You're like not distracted yeah, not at all. Yeah, yeah. And I don't know about you, but for me, when I'm, when I'm working with women who, like, are the ideal woman, it's fun. We have a really good time, even as we're traversing, like, the depths of the shadow work you know what I mean or like the darkest moments, or the moments where you know it is that breakdown and breakthrough. We're still like in it, having a good time, knowing that this process is so fantastic and important and productive and fruitful. That's like such a game changer. When you're in business and you have these clients that are like perfect fit, everybody wins, and they win astronomically. I had a woman come to me. She's like she's invested multiple times in our work together and she's like the ROI is always like at least 6X. It's insane. And I'm like I know right, and she's perfect fit client. So behaviors more inspired to work, probably more consistent, less burnout, more inspiration, more creativity, better results probably yeah, and then what's the outcome?
Speaker 2:Success in the term of, like, everyone has goals that they set for themselves, right, and just being able to meet those benchmarks. The evidence yeah, it's actually receiving exactly what I set out to receive. So putting myself in a position to get the results that I desire, yeah, Does that process support you?
Speaker 1:Oh, definitely Thinking about this and working through it. Yeah, I encourage people like. Level two of this is for the situation. Put in there what you want to experience, and this is where we play with the imagination. But this is where, really, the power process goes from a processing tool to a creation tool. Put in there. I signed three perfect clients. And then what's the inner dialogue? Probably something along the lines of I can, I knew it was possible probably something along the lines of I can, I knew it was possible.
Speaker 1:I always attract right, and that's the level that you will absolutely grow into as you collect this evidence.
Speaker 2:How do you feel with all this? I feel great, like I was a little bit not worried, but like there was some trepidation before the call and I just feel like this. This really helped me to ground myself in a way that feels very, very generative.
Speaker 1:So thank you, yeah, my pleasure. There's so much here for you. I'm excited because I really do have the sense that the moment you start saying no in a way that's aligned for you and self-honoring is really what will transform the trajectory of your business and your personal life. You'll get to see how God beats you and how abundant your nature really truly is. Yay, thank you for allowing us in on this part of your journey so vulnerably and so beautifully it's. It's such a pleasure and an honor in this way. Thank you for having me as we complete this episode.
Speaker 1:I would love to know your insights, takeaways and feedback. You can message me on Instagram at Katie Lynn Rohano or send them via email to Katie at katielinrohanocom. Any products or digital downloads I mentioned can be found via the link in my Instagram bio. If you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to share it with at least one friend and leave a five-star review so we can get these impactful dialogues into the lives of even more people. I would also like to thank my guest for their vulnerability and generosity and allowing us to learn from them and grow alongside them. Until next time, friends, let's go beyond.