BEYOND
BEYOND
Episode 8 BEYOND Self-Abandonment: Embracing Vulnerability and Resilience with Brittany
What if the key to healing childhood trauma lies in choosing yourself first?
Join me as I sit down with the courageous Brittany, who opens up about her journey through the turbulent waters of feeling unchosen and the paralyzing fear of abandonment.
Brittany reveals how she has struggled to navigate her emotional depths and embrace all facets of herself, especially those shrouded in shame. From feeling like an outcast in sister circles to experiencing the challenges of intimate relationships, Brittany's session is a testament to the importance of self- acceptance and the difficulty of finding partners who can handle emotional intensity. Her candid reflections on her tumultuous, chaotic childhood, tempered by the protective love of her grandmother, offer profound insights into resilience and healing.
Like an ocean trying to fit itself in a teacup, Brittany reflects on her attempts to gain validation from others by being who they need, rather than herself. We explore how early childhood experiences shaped her self-worth and the struggle to embrace her full potential amidst the thick internal fear, criticism and responsibility that seems to follow her everywhere.
This episode unearths the complex dance between love and pain, emphasizing the crucial role of being seen and heard in one's journey towards self-discovery and purpose.
As we peel back the layers of trauma, I share invaluable strategies for managing internal criticism and reconnecting with oneself. We explore the arduous process of shedding protective armor built in childhood, learning to embrace vulnerability, and fostering self-compassion. I also share a strategy for handling overwhelming intuitive insights and offer practical advice for nurturing internal support and loving presence.
This episode is a heartfelt exploration of resilience, the importance of moving forward through discomfort, and the journey towards embodying one's true essence. Don't miss this inspiring conversation that promises to leave you with a renewed sense of hope and purpose.
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Hello, my friend, and welcome to Beyond the personal growth podcast for the people who are healing beyond their conditioning and beyond the cycles that played out before them. My name is Katie Lynn and, with 20 years of experience in the field of psychology and human behavior, I am bringing my natural curiosity, expertise and personal life experiences here for discussions that are guaranteed to be informative, inspiring and entertaining. I'm glad you're here. Let's get started. Trigger warning this episode contains themes of physical abuse, suicidal ideation and self-harm. Please listen with consideration of your environment. Okay, today on the podcast we have Brittany. Brittany, thank you so much for being on. I'm really happy to dive in with you today. What would you like to start with?
Speaker 2:I would love to understand the part of me that continues to create people and circumstances, the part of me that continues to create people and circumstances where I feel as though I'm not being chosen, which then creates a fear of abandonment.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would love to figure out what it looks like to choose myself so that I can end this cycle and break this pattern, because I know that it's revealing parts of me that aren't free, and this is a part of me that continues to stop me from being the best version of me. It's just the fear of acceptance and the fear of not being chosen. Within sister circles, this community that we are a part of, I'm continuously hiding because it's safe for me, because I'm afraid that I have nothing to add or they're going to not choose me, abandon me. It's just all of those feelings that come up and then they feel really, really debilitating. And although I talk to myself and I tell myself that it's not real, it's an illusion, all of these things, it's still somatically like a visceral experience that I'm feeling and that I get choked up and then I don't even know what to say or do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you. I love that. You gave examples too of like being in sister circles and in relationships, what has to exist, because if we're wanting to be chosen, then that means that there's a desire of connection there. So, as far as qualities or characteristics of the other that you want to be chosen by, is there a theme there?
Speaker 2:So I feel like what would have to be there, what consistently comes up, is acceptance, like acceptance of all of my emotions, acceptance of, you know, all of the colors that I have to offer, just acceptance of my entire being, all of the ugly and the shameful, the guilt, the imposter syndrome, like all of these different parts of me that I feel like I haven't. I know that I haven't accepted within myself. So externally, yeah, I would want somebody to, yeah, accept me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so are you saying that the people who you choose, who don't choose you. Is that what they're lacking? Are they lacking acceptance, or is there just the fear that they won't accept you?
Speaker 2:I've chosen partners. Yeah, that don't love themselves that don't accept themselves and they don't accept their emotions, mostly Cause I'm a person that feels a lot.
Speaker 1:I feel so much. And if I?
Speaker 2:don't have a partner that is able to create a container that allows for that, because I'm an external processor. I can process the root and everything all day and it's great, but I still I need a container to be able to express that, where I'm not feeling judged or, you know, where they're scared there because I women have sacred anger and and when males that don't accept their emotions, that are afraid of their own emotions, when they see me and this fire, they're like whoa, this is, this is too much, you're too much. Which then creates the spiral of like oh, I'm wrong, wrong, I have a lot of shame and guilt, I need to be quiet, I need to fit in this container to make sure that they feel safe because I'm scaring them. So it's, it's all. It's all of that, yeah yeah, beautiful.
Speaker 1:When you were little do you have a lot of memories of your younger childhood, like zero to five age. What was, what were you like as a child?
Speaker 2:I was very adventurous, I was very. I love to sing, I love to dance, I love to perform. I had a really big imagination, I was very creative. Yeah, I was very much happy all of the time and tried to seek, you know, the beauty in everything. Even though I was like in a very chaotic environment, there was a knowing that I felt like that I was okay, despite everything that's going on. Like there was a knowing. I guess, where did that knowing come from? I, I don't, I want to say that it's, it's the, the. I think it's the knowing that we all have or embody within us. Like there is, there was just, and I think that that's what saved me, because I was in a very chaotic environment, very abusive environment. So I think that that knowing or that feeling, maybe from a higher power, I'm not really sure, but I am. It's that I also struggle with religion, so I'm still navigating. Like, even when I say God, there's still like a lot of resistance towards even that.
Speaker 1:So a higher power, I think, was always you know within, so you've always it sounds like you've always been connected to your divinity.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and when you say chaotic environment, was there somebody in your world that really took care of you in a way where you felt safe?
Speaker 2:My grandmother yeah, my, my father's mom. She was living with us at the time and she was like my protector. She would take me away. If my mom was abusing me or my dad was abusing me, she would fight for me. So she was the person that would stand up for me or cry or tell them to stop, and would they listen to her? No, okay.
Speaker 1:Was it just physical abuse?
Speaker 2:No. So with my parents it was physical abuse. They were both very unpredictable. So that's where, like, my hypervigilance came in. It was a superpower that I developed because I didn't know what mood they were going to be in.
Speaker 2:So when I walked into a room I had to assess, because none of it made sense. They would get upset, I would just be playing. And because they were upset, they would come in and, like, hit me continuously, and so that created the story within myself of like, like, hit me continuously, and so that created the story within myself of like, okay, I'm not doing anything, so who I am as a being is just wrong. So I'm just I'm. I'm wrong.
Speaker 2:Like there's must be something wrong with me because I'm just playing with my toys, and so all of it was very confusing and questioning myself is a huge thing for me too. And like speaking my voice because I couldn't say anything, or speak my mind because it went against whatever they were telling me. So nothing was ever explained, nothing was ever like there was no like gentle parenting. Of like, hey, this is why, or this is what's going on. It was like, no, we're the parent is why, or this is what's going on. It was like no, we're the parent, you're the child, and I do what I want, so it was unsafe.
Speaker 1:Really, do you still have a connection to your grandmother? I do yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, in what way she's just a person that I just enjoy talking to, like a safe space, even though we're talking about nothing. It just feels like I can just be me and you know, I just enjoy just hearing about what she's cooking today, like just boring things, but they feel very like nurturing to me. It just feels like, oh okay, like this is like my safe, my safe person, one of the safe people. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, who else in your life would you consider a safe person?
Speaker 2:My stepmom, so my parents. They had like a falling out where my dad cheated on my mom and it was one of the biggest traumatic experiences that I've ever had. My mom caught my dad cheating on her. We were in the car and then she tried to murder my dad, like uh, she was hitting the other car that he was in. He like jumped out, she went to jail. It was a whole thing. And I was like seven, um, so I witnessed all of that. And then when my parents separated, I think like a year later or two, he found a woman named Lucy Literally all of the parts of me that that desired a motherly love.
Speaker 2:She was able to fill all of those voids and she empowered me and guided me. She's she's my angel for sure. Like she's a person that I still go to to talk to about anything. She's accepted me. She makes me feel so beautiful, makes me feel like I'm just perfect as I am. I don't have to be anything or do anything, and it was something that I never experienced before. I thought this was only in Disney movies or something. I was like, wow, she has Thanksgiving and she has Christmas in her house. I thought this wasn't real. So she was able to like just open my eyes to all of these new experiences that I thought weren't available to me. Beautiful, and are you still connected to her? Oh my gosh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So, as you speak this out, there's definitely a theme of wanting to be chosen. Do you hear any other themes?
Speaker 2:Wanting to be chosen. Fear of, like, being misunderstood. Yeah, I have a fear of being misunderstood. I have a fear because it was life or death when I was a child and I think that that's why I don't get close to people or you know, like I'm just scared of if they misunderstand me I'm going to get hurt, Something bad is going to happen. Or if I upset them in any kind of way or if I disappoint them, yeah, like something. It's just the feeling of like which is in my partnership. I always feel wrong and I'm just there's nothing happening, but like. If I see any shift within him, I have to try to change it, I have to try to make him feel better. He can't feel those feelings, which then doesn't give him the space to to feel anything, because he can't feel those feelings because what happened?
Speaker 2:Because my experience has been if if he's upset with me, he's going to take love away from me.
Speaker 1:Okay, and what happens if he takes love away from you?
Speaker 2:Then I'm abandoned. He's going to leave me, um, and then what? And I'm going to die. It feels like I'm going to die.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna die. It feels like I'm gonna die. It's that feeling of like death yeah so where does love come from?
Speaker 2:oh, love comes from me, love. I know that all of the love that I'm experiencing is within me, but it's, it's something that I show up in your body.
Speaker 1:If you drop into your body, can you tap into it? Uh, I, I feel it in my chest yeah anywhere else um my cheeks so as you tune into it, is it expanding?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and how does it feel in your body?
Speaker 2:Oh uh scary.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. Can you tell me more about that? Oh?
Speaker 2:I guess what's coming up for me is to not fully accept it because it's going to be taken away. So why go through the trouble of accepting this if I'm going to just end up back here? Yeah, where's here the not chosen, abandoned little girl?
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you for doing that taking that little journey with yourself and with me. The thing that I hear as a theme I asked you what you know, what did you hear as a theme, as you were sharing, and there's definitely the desire to be chosen in. There's definitely like being misunderstood. The theme that I hear is it's actually not okay for me to exist, and that would make sense. When I think about what you shared at the beginning. When I think about what you shared at the beginning, like I step back, I kind of hide, I don't engage, even if people are welcoming or warm. But if they're new to me and there's like uncertainty and it's unfamiliar, I kind of hang back, I stay quiet, I don't use my voice. Those are all components of existence, right? Like speaking is existence, breathing is existence, being seen is existence, and that's how, when we're little, especially like zero to seven, we know we exist because of the reflection of others. So you've seen this probably, as you know, as a mama, you look into your little, your little one's, eyes and they smile and you smile back right. There's this mirroring process that happens, where you know if he's angry, you go oh, what's wrong? Or oh, there's a curiosity there, and you mirror, you validate the experience of your little one, via your reflection and acknowledgement that there's something there, something's going on.
Speaker 1:And in the example that I hear of, I'm in my own world, playing with my toys, and then all of a sudden there's this abrupt physical violence and I can't make sense of it and I don't understand what I did wrong. Because that's the nature of a child, right, it's. Their world is so, their world is done, so everything that is done has to be their fault. It must have to do with them, right? That's all of us as we develop into young adults and then adults. You know, and so can you. Can you see how? And so can you see how. Oh, my goodness, it's not just choose me.
Speaker 1:Maybe it goes a little bit deeper and the question is is it safe for you to exist? Is it okay for you to exist? What comes up for you as you sit with that?
Speaker 2:I have struggled with self-harm like most of my life, and I've also tried to commit suicide several times.
Speaker 1:So to hear that it makes sense, as you're present with this, do you have a desire to exist? Yeah, yeah, what's coming up for you?
Speaker 2:I feel like my son hasn't had a chance to meet me yet, or I haven't had a chance to meet me, and that scares me and I have this feeling of like needing to expand or live or be, and I don't know, I don't know how to do that.
Speaker 1:Where's choosing things that like make?
Speaker 2:me happy, or choosing things which I don't do. Everything around me is everybody else is more important than me. Or I'm afraid of like doing this because it gets in the way of somebody else's schedule, or like I'm going to upset them. Or if I'm being me, I'm going to upset them. Or yeah, to keep myself safe, I'm just keeping myself in this container, which isn't keeping me safe at all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the visual that I get is like you're this, you're like the ocean trying to fit itself in a teacup and there's so much of you, right, and there's so many beautiful qualities, and there's waves, and there's still waters, and there's depth, and there's movement and motion. The ocean is so alive, naturally, and then I see like the ocean trying to contort itself into this tiny little teacup. You know, and be still and be calm and not disruptive. What do you think you were designed for?
Speaker 2:I've always felt like it was something big. I don't really know what that is, but it's a feeling of like a leader, a speaker, a coach, an actress, like something big. I just I don't necessarily know exactly what medium it'll be through, but I know that it's. I'm meant for something big and I think that that's what has guided me into all of these different spaces and places and people. It's just people consistently reflecting back to me what they see, which is this amazing, majestic unicorn which also upsets me because I'm like you see it. Why? Why can I feel it Like? Why can't I? I want to see what you see, yeah, so I'm going to pause you there real quick.
Speaker 1:Why do you think you can't see it?
Speaker 2:Um, I think, I think I'm scared. I think I'm scared of what that means. If I do see it, it's going to require me to level up in a or or expand, or let go of the old version of me to then step into this new person. So there's a level of responsibility that I'm, I think that I'm afraid of. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So remember when, just a few minutes ago, I said where does love exist? You said it exists in me. I said can you feel it? You said yeah. I said how does it feel? You said it's scary. It's scary. So when I see this as an outsider, I can see that love got wired with pain.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:When I say what do you think you were created for? What do you think you were created to be, you said coach, actress, leader. All those things, all those titles are sort of you know, manifestations of you have something in common. Do you know what it is?
Speaker 2:I'm being seen like on a on a stage people to see me and what else, using my voice Uh-huh. What else it would require me to allow people to to see me?
Speaker 1:yeah, I don't you'd have to be chosen right. There is really no leader without people who say, wow, I would like to follow you. People who say, wow, I would like to follow you. Oh, I like what you got. I like what you're about, I resonate with it, I see you, I believe in you.
Speaker 2:How does it feel in your body to hear all those statements Validating?
Speaker 1:Feels good and sad at the same time. It's a lot of sensation. Yeah, it's what I refer to as dynamic sensation. There's, it all exists right, like the love and the grief, yeah, and the gratitude and the loss, and the give and the take, the excitement and the sadness at the same time oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And also the feeling of like, oh, like you know, now you can't like not know this information now, like you know. So now you get to step up. Like you know again, it's the fear, like the more that I know and I'm aware of it requires me to to be uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and you know, brittany, as we navigate this, I I want to take a moment to share with you that there are people who come in who learn the struggle Like part of their soul. Curriculum is like they come in and then they experience. They experience love and they experience embrace and they experience happiness and connection and you know, and then they their first life bump right in the road, their first growth opportunity is kind of like a struggle, you know, and so the struggle is like the thing that is very difficult for them. It's like the loss of somebody close, the, the first kind of trauma. But sometimes it just happens later in life for them.
Speaker 1:And I'll tell you that majority of the women that I work with have had the opposite, where their life path isn't to learn the struggle. Their life path is actually to learn the embrace and the love. They're not learning how to be with the tough stuff in air quotes. Their curriculum is to learn how to let it be really, really good. Because, ironically, when you've gone through trauma and even complex trauma for for an extended period of time, especially zero to to seven, zero to 12, right, a lot of chaos, instability, physical abuse, emotional abuse, maybe some neglect, right, that's comfortable. You know that right, like you know. You know what it's like to be in an environment like that, with chaos, with stress, with hypervigilance. You have all the tools, so it's familiar to choose that again. The unlearning is how do I now learn peace, learn acceptance, learn embrace, learn love, because that's actually what's really uncomfortable. Yeah, trusting someone, trusting another with their own emotions, feels very threatening because I didn't know people who could handle their emotions safely. Does that resonate for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so as all of this moves, through you.
Speaker 1:What do you think is next for you? I think compassion for who?
Speaker 2:for me, and again like, obviously, like easier said than done, I feel like I say these things, I'm always like yeah, give yourself grace and compassion and love, and in those moments it's, it's like I'm fighting a beast or I'm watching myself and it's like, uh, it's okay, what are the ways in which you manage yourself, like, how do you keep yourself in the teacup?
Speaker 2:Staying out of people's way, not expressing my emotions because I'm afraid of them making myself wrong, apologizing a lot for being me, not speaking my truth and continuously like creating experiences that perpetuate shame and guilt. So that I can like stay in that home that feels familiar, it's just. If I feel any kind of joy, even for a little bit, I immediately feel like I have to get back to this space because I don't know this home is that through internal criticism, like is there a critical voice?
Speaker 2:that comes up Definitely. There is definitely like a sergeant for sure, and sometimes I can't name, yeah, I can't.
Speaker 2:Okay, I can't tell if it is, if it's my spirit guides talking to me sometimes, or if it's when I process everything, like at night, which I, which is why I have a difficult time sleeping, but there's somebody talking to me, literally telling me how you know I could have responded differently, and what I'm supposed to be doing and what would help support me in my body and my mental health, and it's consistently like waking me up at three o'clock in the morning.
Speaker 1:Okay, and what? How do you respond to that in your head?
Speaker 2:I definitely resist it or feel shame and guilt, like it's the feeling of like I should have done better or I could have done better, or yeah.
Speaker 1:It sounds like you receive it as truth, yeah, yeah. So what if you received it as up for consideration? That feels better. I would say you're probably a very highly intuitive person, very connected Always have been. When we're highly connected and highly intuitive, sometimes it's like there's somebody turns on a faucet and there's all this information, all these ideas, all this creativity, and it's like we can feel as the recipient. We can feel like we have to action. All of it yesterday. Yesterday, right, we're late. Yesterday, right, we're late. I'd like to offer a different lens that I learned years ago, which is this wonderful gift of divine intelligence and intuition and creativity is so beautiful and yet it still gets to exist according to our free will. And yet it still gets to exist according to our free will.
Speaker 2:So you have free will, and that's a part of existence.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like when, when you wake up at three in the morning and you're receiving all these, all this information, do you do you immediately like get up and write it down or do you just try to sleep it away? How do you operate, like get up and write it down?
Speaker 2:or do you just try to sleep it away? How do you operate with that? So sometimes, yeah, um, when I right, when I wake up, I'll write it down. Or sometimes it becomes too much and I like smoke weed, I'm like I need to, and that's like the only thing that like shuts it down. Where I can like, I can like relax because it it processes conversations, even with my partner, and I have things that he needs to hear, and then like things that my son needs to hear. It's like like a coach, that's like processing at night. And then I wake up and I'm like, oh, like I received, I received a download and you need to receive this, and yeah, and it just becomes like a lot and overwhelming.
Speaker 1:So you have the ability to ask it to slow down, yeah, to take a break, to turn off, because what it sounds like is actually happening is that maybe it's not your spirit guides per se. It sounds like your subconscious mind takes the reins when you go to sleep. Because now it's safe, the world is quiet, so now you can exist.
Speaker 2:The world is quiet, so now you can exist, and so here she comes right With all her reflections, everything she should have said everything that she would have done if she would feel safe when the world is awake.
Speaker 1:Oh shit, wow yeah that resonates for sure, and I would encourage you to set little, maybe little, reminders in your phone throughout the day, maybe one every like four hours or so, that just beeps and goes off and take just a quick moment, maybe less than a minute, to say I'm available for you, I'm with you, less than a minute to say I'm available for you, I'm with you, I'm listening, because it almost seems like, as you express to me, like how you've been living in your relationship dynamics, there's just this smooth, integrated pattern of self-abandonment which you brought up earlier. So the re patterning of that is just let's connect, let's connect so there's not like a specific outside action that needs to be taken just yet. Those will come. It's that reminder of I'm with you, I know you exist, I'm here, I'm listening. Oh, wow, how does that feel for you? Like the truth, yeah.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the beautiful thing about this is you know how to be you, all of us know how to be us know how to be us. It's more about removing these sort of layers that we took on, this kind of armor that we took on and a lot of us put it on before our brains were even fully developed, right. So it made sense when we put on this metaphorical armor to protect ourselves. It really made sense at the time. It was a good move, smart move. And now, as we're in our late 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, now it's like, oh, we can actually dissolve this because it's not safe anymore. It's actually getting in the way, it's actually super heavy. I'm tired of carrying this mess around, letting it dissolve. And that's really the best metaphor I can give you to describe it, because what you'll be doing is like a thawing. It's like you're thawing out. It's like tender at the beginning, kind of raw, a little messy. You've just been like in this encasing for a couple of decades. I would be lying to you if I said it was going to be comfortable. That would be awful of me and so far out of integrity. It probably will feel uncomfortable, especially because, as a leader, as a bright light as a guide and a wisdom keeper.
Speaker 1:Part of your mission is also to be disruptive, which you probably know already. You probably walk into rooms and can feel that you've already pissed somebody off or upset somebody's apple cart right Just because you stepped into the room and started breathing. You know which is the the shadow side of of being being like hypervigilant, but also highly intuitive, very empathic. Deeply feeling is like you don't just meet the person at face value. You sort of are able to feel everything that exists under the surface for them. So you're like I see what you're showing me, but I also see everything that you're not showing me.
Speaker 1:I can feel it before you even recognize it in yourself, and for some people that feels very liberating. I was like I feel fully seen and for other people it's like I feel violated. Yeah, you know cause? I'm not ready to handle that level of depth with myself, so the fact that you brought it to me is is unsettling.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I would encourage you as you do sort of this like a mini exposure therapy with yourself, as it feels safe, and as you build that muscle of being seen and being with people and being a disruptor intentionally right, like knowing, accepting that there will be people who love me and love me. They ride for me, they're like my grandmother, they're like my Lucy, they really rock for me. There's also going to be people that do not, and both sets of people belong to the divinity from which you came. So one of the things that I encourage you and anybody listening to do if you struggle with being seen, if you struggle with or if it feels scary or like tender, is let those people be handled by the divinity that created them. It is not your job, like give them the gift of being shaped by their creator. How does that feel in your system?
Speaker 2:If, like, I feel a sense of obviously like peace and the complete opposite of peace, of like or the illusion of control that I feel like I need to to do to make sure that I'm safe, to protect myself, and then the knowing of. I never had to protect myself, it was just anxiety.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so what can you do when you feel that come up again?
Speaker 2:I guess what you mentioned, like letting her know I'm here, I see you and it's okay, yep, and maybe repeating what you just said around, let the creator heal and guide them. It's not your responsibility to do that and allow her to cry and feel anxious.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, like she's going to die. So much of your journey. At this point, particular inflection point is reparenting, yeah, and reparenting ourselves. When we have littles I know because I did this with my oldest one is like. It's like they do when, when they're that little, they do feel like the world is ending, and for them it is because their world is like tiny you know it's so small, it's like me and my diaper, my toy.
Speaker 1:You know that's our, that's the whole world and so really being in full acknowledgement of that, like I feel you, I'm with you, I'm not going anywhere, I'm going to be with you, I'm going to stay with you. It's valid, it's important and we're going to keep going Right. It's like when your little one fights nap time and they're like so upset because now they have to nap, right, and it's like I hear you, I see you and your sleep is important and we'll read a book and we'll sing a song and you still need to nap. Like you're still going to take a it and that's okay, and it's still nap time. Except for us as adults, it's like it's still go time. Yeah, we still get to go be out in the world. We still get to go take care of our responsibilities. We still get to show up and it's okay.
Speaker 2:That's what I've struggled with it's staying in that state and like feeling those feelings and then not doing anything. It's like I'm not going to do this task because everything feels so like hard and I feel stuck. So, yeah, I feel like that's been a challenge, like a huge challenge for me to get out of those states, because it feels I feel stuck, yeah.
Speaker 1:The mantra, the motto is like keep moving. I can move when it's messy, I can move when it's beautiful. I can move when it's great, I can move when it's prickly.
Speaker 2:I'm going to keep moving because I exist and when I'm not moving, it's the part of me that doesn't want to exist. Yes, and reinforcing that through my actions I get to continue to not exist. Yeah, versus aligning with my values, which is like what I want is to exist.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's just the part of you that, subconsciously, that belief of like I can't got programmed Right. So when we enter freeze and we enter, like, this sort of apathetic state call it depression, call it apathy, whatever it is it's like, it's that I can't showing up, and a lot of us that wrestle with that also have the, the perfectionist arm.
Speaker 1:That's like well, if you can't show up as a 10, you just might as well not show up. Yeah, it's like. Well, guess what? I'm showing up as a two today and the world is going to get all the two that I have to give it, that's what it's going to be. Wow, yeah. Or for this hour and then the next hour. We'll go for three. Maybe you know, but now you're getting. Now we're getting into the laws of the universe. It's like an object in motion stays in motion.
Speaker 1:So, like the hardest part is getting into motion. So you get in as a one or a two you're like here.
Speaker 2:I go.
Speaker 1:I'm getting in and then, as you get in, oh, here's three, okay, there's four on the scale. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:So I really I love the metaphor of of working out. It's like if you haven't worked out in years and like you haven't really fully existed in a while. Right, yeah, let's just embrace that. You know, it's like you haven't existed at 10 in a super long time, maybe never. Maybe it's always been six or seven, or you vacillated, maybe moments of of 10 and you drop back down to two or one. You know, it's like that first workout where you're like, damn, this is hard. You know, I tried to run and I only went like one 10th of a mile and I feel exhausted and this feels heavy. And then you come back and the next time you do a quarter mile, then the next time you do a half a mile and as you build it, now all of a sudden you're running two miles, you're running three miles, you're running four and it feels like no problem.
Speaker 1:You get faster each time, you get a little bit stronger each time. That's the laws of the universe.
Speaker 2:You gave me an exercise to record myself telling my story. Yeah, I didn't even do that. Yeah, it's, social media is a thing that I know that I'd like to do. And then that part of me again doesn't want to be seen Sure.
Speaker 1:So incorporate that, think of that as step one. Yeah, let me record myself, nonjudgmental, nobody has to see it. It's for me, yeah, it's so that I can witness me. That's the reparenting right. I will see me, I will be with me, I choose me.
Speaker 2:Wow, I'm having all these like mind blowing moments of like, oh my gosh, she's right. I'm not even wanting to see me and me not doing that task. It was really me not wanting to see me or view me, wow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. And just as a final note, mama to mama, because I heard you say something earlier. I heard you say my son hasn't really met me because I haven't really met me, and maybe I haven't met him because I haven't met me.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And mama to mama. I just want to share that I'm still meeting my son both of them and one's going to be 13 and the other one's going to be three, and the reason I say that is because we've both been evolving the entire time. And so there's only ever evolution. Both of you got the version of you that you needed.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:My pleasure. As mamas, we can be super critical. We want the best. Is there anything else you'd like to share or say before we wrap up?
Speaker 2:I'm excited to start thawing out all of the decades of armor and I'm excited to start slowly creating spaces where I can witness myself and see myself. And I'm excited to reparent. I thought I was before, but I feel like this is like a whole new level. I thought it was this, but it's actually like existing living, like me having the desire to live. I didn't realize until now, until this conversation of like oh, this has been the common theme for me. Wow, outside of like, in those moments of like talking to myself and telling myself that I'm here, that it's safe, that I see you accepting my emotions, are there any other like exercises that would be beneficial for me?
Speaker 1:The one that I would really encourage you to incorporate into your routine, if you have the space, is the power process, which you have free access to because you're in FEMM forward.
Speaker 1:It's also for the people listening. It's available via the link in my bio on my Instagram. You can purchase it. There's a guide to go through and a template and a video training with it, and that's really designed to reprogram your beliefs quickly and connect yourself deeper to your body. Wow, because our world is really a projection of our internal dialogue and our internal dialogue is a reflection of our deeper beliefs. So as you practice that, as you go through the power process, it takes less than like 10 minutes every day. I literally just did mine before I hopped on with you. It's really something that creates awareness quickly and when we have awareness, our willpower can act, and it creates that space to go. Oh, do I choose this or do I not choose this?
Speaker 2:I know I got, I get to watch the video, but is it something that you do every single day?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would encourage you to do it every single day, if you can, multiple times a day, cause it'll take you five minutes maybe 10.
Speaker 1:It's super straightforward and I created it that way because we're busy people. Yeah, If you're an entrepreneur or you're a mother or both, like us, you're busy. Right, we don't have two hours to process every day and so it's very short. You're working with a particular dynamic where the stuckness and the density and the chaos and disruption are normal. Those are well-built muscles for you. You could. You could navigate those blindfolded headphones on you know, you've got like your extrasensory gifts to navigate those.
Speaker 1:The real effort is going to be in the goodness. There's joy here. That's another one that you can incorporate as well, if you want. Is like setting an alarm and being joyful for three minutes nonstop. Three minutes, go for it, you know. Stop until that alarm goes off and right Cause in the power process. What you'll see is that you generate the feeling. You'll see it as you do them every day. You'll go oh look, there's the situation, there's my internal dialogue, there's my feeling. Isn't it interesting how my internal dialogue always informs my feeling and my body reflects that internal dialogue. Then my behaviors reflect that internal dialogue, body reflects that internal dialogue, then my behaviors reflect that internal dialogue and then my outcomes match my internal dialogue. So now, if I know that about myself, well, let's change our internal dialogue and just start practicing those reps. The wiring that we're dealing with is just what we've practiced a bunch Amazing. Thank you so much for being present and your vulnerability and generosity and allowing us to learn from them and grow alongside them. Until next time, friends, let's go beyond.